Don't Leave Me
by Letmehavemymoment
Summary: Sam was off at college, living it up, enjoying a regular life. Dean was suffering, desperately trying to get used to living without his brother, but feeling lost and alone. He can't take it anymore. Dean Winchester is going to commit suicide.
1. I can't

**PLEASE TAKE A SECOND TO READ.**

 **I have really enjoyed writing this and would like to continue. Please please please let me know if I should continue this.**

 **SUMMARY**

 **Dean was done. Done with what? The simple answer was everything. He'd been planning on ending his life for months, With Sammy basically abandoning him he felt alone and unloved. John made no effort to comfort his son for what was essentially the complete loss of his brother. Often times he just made it worse** **for Dean.**

Dean sighed as he took another swig of whiskey. He'd decided tonight was the night though he'd been saying that almost since Sammy left seven months ago. Dean was beyond exhausted. He looked like he was already deceased. Dean was thinner than ever before, his hair now grown longer than his signature haircut, and his skin almost ghostly white except for the dark purple under his sunken eyes.

Dean sat in the empty motel room where his dad would eventually come back to find his lifeless body. No telling how long that would take. John had already been gone for two weeks despite their promise to meet back with each other after they each finished there assigned hunt. _Maybe Dad just decided to leave my worthless piece of shit behind_ Dean thought.

Dean rubbed his hands over his face stopping to scratch his scruff once he'd reached his chin. "I can't" Dean whispered aloud. "I can't...I can't" Dean said louder and louder as the rage inside him grew. Suddenly Dean was on his feet throwing his whiskey bottle at the motel wall watching it shatter into what seemed like a million pieces.

Dean's own actions took him by surprise.

Dean panted suddenly feeling dizzy.

Falling back into the mattress.

 _I don't want to die. I just want my life back. I want Sam to talk to me again to look up to me as his big brother. He hasn't seen me in seven months. Hasn't spoken to me in four. Do I dare even attempt to_ _call him and say goodbye?_ Dean pulls out his phone and checks the time. 2:48 A.m. _He'll be pissed if he actually does answers but Sam does at least deserve a goodbye right? Sam at least had the courtesy to say goodbye before he left for Stanford_ Dean thought.

The next thing Dean remembers is waking up around noon. _I must've passed out. Ha._ Dean chuckled aloud. Dean's phone begins to ring the distantly familiar ringtone...Sammy's ringtone. "Sammy..." Dean sluggishly reaches for his phone answering it without a second thought.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT LAST NIGHT DEAN!" Sam yelled. "YOU CAN'T JUST CALL ME AND SAY ALL THAT SHIT. I WORRY ABOUT YOU. YOU KNOW THAT YOU STUPID ARROGANT PRICK." Sam stopped harshly drawing a breath of air. "AND THEN YOU JUST HANG UP BEFORE I EVEN GET THE CHANCE TO SAY ANYTHING."

"Sa-mmy I uh...don't know what to say." Dean rasped out. Dean couldn't remember most of the events of last night but if the bottle of prescription anti-depressants he'd been neglecting to take and his pistol conveniently laying beside the bottle on his motel nightstand was any indication he was going to finally end it.

Sam could tell something wasn't right. Dean didn't sound like himself especially during last nights phone call.

Sam recalled the events of last night.

_

Sam woke up to the sound of his phone ringing. It was Deans special ringtone. He didn't want to pick it up but it was late and it had been weeks since Dean's last attempt to talk to him. Sam was unnerved it wasn't like Dean to call under the circumstances unless something has happened.

"Dean it's almost three in the morn-" Sam was cut off.

"I'm so sorry Sammy but I can't anymore. I don't know if you even care anymore and I just can't. I can't" Dean paused and took a breath into the phone. "I don't want to do this...I really don't I wish I didn't feel like it's my only option. Forgive me, please. Tell Dad and Bobby I'm sorry too. Goodbye Sa-mmy...I love you" That was it. After that, he'd hung up on Sam.

Sam was stunned. He tried calling back but of course, Dean wasn't picking up. He even attempted to contact John and Bobby but didn't have any luck with them either. Sam knew that after what Dean said he wouldn't be able to sleep. Sam just sat on his bed for a long time feeling the empty void the dark room presented. _What's wrong with him?_ Sam asked himself.

_

"Dean what do you mean you don't remember?! What the hell did you do?"

 _I don't think I did anything I'm still here ain't I. "_ I uh... don't know. I'm okay so-rry for bothering you Sammy" Dean paused "Sam" Dean corrected swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Dean please I'm worried." Sam's voice cracked he was on the verge of tears.

 _Do I tell him? Do I let him know I cannot do this anymore?_ _Would he try to talk me out of the inevitable?_

"Sorry, Sam, just been having a hard time I guess," Dean whispered into the phone.

"Dean aren't you with dad?" _I swear if dad fucking left Dean alone._

"N-not anymore...he left me here." Dean was defeated both men could hear it in his voice.

Sam wasn't sure what he was going to do but he couldn't let Dean suffer like that. He couldn't lose both him and their dad it wasn't fair.

"Dean where are you? I'm on my way."

 **So I'm probably posting this a little prematurely but I'm excited about this. I don't know how many chapters I could do I'm not that confident in my ability to write. Please give me feedback whether it's encouraging or not.**


	2. Come back to me

**Thank you so much for the amazing reviews. I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

Sam was surprised to find out Dean was in California. He figured the arguments would have kept Dean as far away as possible. The truth was Dean wanted to leave California and make himself move on but couldn't. He'd only left for hunts but he always made sure he was in Californa between jobs. John had gone along with it to appease him. Sam may have left but Dean still wanted to be there in case Sam ever needed him.

"I'm on my way" click Dean hung up instantly throwing his flip phone across the room. "Fuck Fuck FUCK GODDAMNIT!" Dean screamed. _How fucking stupid can I be? Why would I fucking tell him where I am? Sammy absolutely cannot see me like this!_

"Pull yourself together dammit," Dean ordered himself. Dean was an absolute mess. He'd practically been left shattered into a million pieces after Sam left and into about a million more when John failed to show.

"I'm the big brother, the responsible one. I take care of Sammy put his wants and needs above my own. I put myself in danger to keep Sammy safe. That is my job. I've failed again. I can't...I can't!" Dean paced around the small space between the two motel beds.

"Ruining his life with my own selfish need of companionship," Dean muttered.

"What the fuck is wrong with me!"

_

"I'm on my way" was the last thing, Sam had the chance to say before the line went dead. Maybe Dean thought if he hung up Sam wouldn't come to see him. Maybe the phone just went dead. Maybe the connection just failed. Sam couldn't know for sure but he had decided he was going to see Dean regardless of the reason for the abrupt ending to their conversation.

Sam had dropped everything to come to see his brother. Sam was skipping out on several classes and even a date with a girl he liked named Jessica. None of this mattered if Dean needed help. Sam's only concern was his big brother. _Is_ _this how Deans felt his entire life?_ Sam thought as he prepared to leave.

Sam left as soon as possible wanting to get to Dean before he had the chance to do anything stupid.

_

Dean's already weak frame grew tired of the pacing. When Dean finally stopped he practically collapsed into his bed from exhaustion. _Get up and shower be presentable nothing is wrong. Sammy doesn't have to know how far you've fallen. Shouldn't have to come back and put you back together._ Dean thought to himself. He tried. He really did try to get up and shower but his limbs were not obeying the orders he was practically demanding them to do.

"Get up Dean!" He yelled in frustration. "Get the fuck up before Sam comes in and finds you looking like the weak piece of shit you are!" Dean tried so hard eventually begging himself not to fall asleep to just get up and do what he thought would be necessary before Sam arrived...if Sam arrived. Dean had "slept" only a few hours a week. The only times he'd managed to sleep was when he was blackout drunk or when his body absolutely had enough of his abuse and essentially shut off. It wasn't long before the mental and physical exhaustion took over and Dean fell into a familiar restless sleep.

-

It had been two hours since Sam had last spoken to Dean and about an hour and forty-five minutes since he'd left campus. He would have left sooner but he knew it was best to at least let someone know he was going to be gone for a little while.

As Sam drove his friend's car he'd "borrowed" for the trip he found himself wondering if he should give Dean a call.

Sam wanted to be sure he was okay but he knew Dean wouldn't take kindly to be fussed over nor being worried about.

 _Fuck it he's my brother_. Sam thought as he flipped his phone open and dialed Dean's number.

_

Dean's phone startled him away. He propelled himself up quickly into a sitting position prepared to fight. _Oh goddamnit._ Dean thought as he realized Sammy was calling. Dean carefully got to his feet and retrieved the phone he'd previously thrown. "Hello?" Dean said as he began cleaning up.

"Dean, I'm not far now," Sam said as he continued to drive down the road.

"Yeah, yeah Sammy are you sure you want to see me? I mean you don't have to. I know you have your hands full with school and all." Dean began to mutter "And with how we left it a couple months ago..." Dean stopped picking up the pieces of the whiskey bottle and held his breath. _I want to see my brother more than anything._

"Dean, I don't care about how we left things alright? It doesn't matter. Believe it or not, I have missed you. Plus we both know we need to talk about the phone call from last night."

Dean cleared his throat "Yeah about that...It uh wasn't like it sounded" Dean lied. "I was just a little fucked up"

"We can talk about it when I get there." This time Sam hung up. Sam didn't know what to do. His brother obviously wasn't going to be an easy fix if he was already too stubborn to admit what happened.

_

Dean spent the next twenty or so minutes trying to clean up the place. This wasn't an easy task. He had been living in a small motel room for over two weeks now. Dean wasn't much for cleaning on a normal day but with the way, he'd been feeling lately he absolutely had no motivation. Once the room was mostly picked up and the smell of absolute filth was nothing but a faint afterthought Dean found it to be presentable enough.

Right when Dean emerged, fresh-faced and in semi-clean clothes, from the bathroom, he heard a knock at the motel door. _Gotta see Sammy._ Dean scrambled to the door knocking over a dining chair on the way.

Dean swings the door open. "Sammy!" He pulling Sam into a hug.

Sam gives Dean a tight hug as if he's holding on for his life. Dean hugs Sam just as tightly.

It's Dean who pulls away first.

"You look great man. You definitely need a haircut but other than that."

Sam gives a light chuckle and swallows thickly taking in the sight of his brother.

He looks rough.

Sam gives Dean a half-hearted smile.

"Good to see you, Dean."

 **I'm sorry I know this chapter sucks big time. I don't know how it went so south. I'll try and pick it back up in chapter three.**


	3. I didn't leave YOU

**Alright, guys here we are chapter three. I actually like this chapter. I hope you guys will follow and review if you like it as well.**

For the first time, Sam was an outsider looking in on Dean's life. Right, when Sam entered the rundown motel room he realized the horrible condition his brother was accustomed to living in. It was like Sam was seeing their living conditions for the first time.

The place was small and trashed. Clothes and glass lay scattered and on the floor. The trash can was full so obviously, Dean had attempted to pick it up.

Sam stood in the little of the room speechless. He didn't know what to say, or what he was supposed to say. Sam was still in shock from Dean's appearance. He'd never seen his brother so worn...so broken...weak.

Dean sat on one of the beds staring up Sam.

"So Uh..." Sam began. "How long have you been at this motel?"

 _Obviously longer than usual._

"More than two weeks. I returned here after my hunter. Dad was supposed to meet up with me here after he finished his hunt in Tennessee but never showed."

Dean sighed.

"Did he call and tell you why?" Sam questioned. He wasn't concerned at the absence of his father it wasn't unlike him to just disappear without a word especially now that they were adults.

"He called once said he had something to do. Told me not to wait up. He just fucking ditched the dead weight for awhile I suppose." Dean casually shrugged like there was complete truth to his word.

"I've sorta just been waiting around. I booked the room for a month figured he'd be back by then and ready to carry the dead weight. He probably made me hunt separate jobs to get away from me."

 _Wow, Dean way to look pathetic._

"Woah, Dean it's alright don't talk like that. I'm sure he just had something he needed to do and didn't want you to be dragged into his business."

"Since when has it mattered if it was his business? He's never ditched me, Sammy. I've always gone with him regardless until recently." Dean grew frustrated. "You know it's like you leave me seven months ago and then dad is quick to follow seven months later. I don't want to be left on my own Sam!"

Sam sat on the bed next to Dean placing a hand on his shoulder. Dean shrugged him off. _I shouldn't have let him come here. He shouldn't have to deal with me._

"Dean! No one is leaving you on your own. I never left you I left Dad. I'm here now regardless of why I left man." _Getting through to Dean is going to take time. The time I don't have. I have to get back to school at some point._

"Oh, really Sam no one is leaving me? What happens in a day or two when you tear off back to school...back to your life? When your little visit is over huh!" Dean began to become furious with his brother.

"I-i don't know man..." Sam didn't know what to say. Dean was showing the same rage he had when Sam had left for Stanford.

Dean blew out a forced breath of air and ran his hand through his hair. It was at this moment Dean's sleeve rolled to just enough for Sam to see two very obvious self-harm scars.

"Fuck Dean!" Sam grabbed Dean by the wrist.

"What now Sam?" Dean said as he tried to pull his wrist free of Sam's grip. There really no point in Deans protest. Dean was weak and had lost muscle mass. Sam was as strong as ever, taller too.

Sam rolled up Deans sleeve higher. "Dean what the fuck is this man. You can't be doing this." Sam shook Deans wrist for emphasis before letting go of (throwing) his brothers arm.

"Woah there little brother. I don't know what you think happened but it wasn't me. I didn't make those." _Don't lie, Dean, you'll only going to make it worse. Sammy won't forgive you._

"Dean," Sam whispered. "I can tell your lying man."

Dean jumped up and stumbled into one of the little motels dining chairs. "Fine Sammy! Yes, I cut my fucking wrist okay?" Dean admitted. "It only happened a couple fucking times." Dean walked over to his nightstand pulling at a bottle of anti-depressants. "After I'd realized how bad I'd gotten I went to the doctor Sam." He shook the bottle for emphasis.

Sam swallowed the lump in his throat. "How long... Dean" _This is my fault. I shouldn't have left the way I did._ _I did this I'm the reason Dean is so fucked up now._

Sam the first time I cut my wrist was before you even knew you were going to Standford. This wasn't because of you. I'll admit after you left things only got worse but Dad played a part in this too. He was such an ass after you left. He couldn't look at me without commenting on how it was my fault. I already knew what I had done he did-"

Sam cut Dean off. "I didn't leave because of you Dean. I left to get away from Dad. You know that I've told you so many times." Sam sighed and rubbed his eyes in frustration. _Dean has to understand._

Dean, still standing by the motel table, began to pace making his way between the motel beds as he did before.

"I can't Sam. I can't talk about this with you." Dean yelled the last word. "It's too much. I can't make amends with you Sammy. I can't have things be good between us just so you can leave and think you've saved me from myself." Dean ran both hands through his light brown hair before he began to furiously pull at it.

Sam stared at his older brother in shock this was something he'd noticed himself doing multiple times in the short amount of time he'd been there with him. "Dean stop!" Sam was on his foot. Grabbing Dean's hands Sam began trying to unclasp his brother's fingers. "Let go on your fucking hair Dean!"

It had been a long time since Sam had seen Dean pull on his hair like that. The last time he'd seen him do that was after Dean was in an argument with John over Sam (of course). Sam was probably sixteen at the time watching his twenty years old brother ruthlessly pull his own hair out.

Dean relented very quickly letting his hair free from his own grasp. His knees then buckled and he let himself fall into the dirty floor.

It was only a few seconds before Sam followed Dean and sat in the floor beside him. Holding Dean around the middle of his torso. Dean breathing was ragged and forced.

"You'll get through this Dean. I promise I'm never going to leave you as I did before."

"Yeah, this time I'll be the leaving...permanently leaving." Dean barely whispered.

 **Anyone looking forward to chapter four?**

 **Let me know if any of you are still interested.**


	4. I don't know what's wrong with me

**Well here's chapter four. I'm definitely not a fan of this chapter.** **I need feedback.**

Night was just as worse as day. Sam was afraid to fall asleep. He didn't know what his brother might do if left unattended so he quietly stayed up and watched over him similarly to how Dean would watch over Sam. He'd heard what Dean had said earlier something about Dean leaving permanently although Sam wasn't sure to what extreme he'd meant he wasn't going to fall asleep and have Dean slip away.

Morning came just as it did every day. Sam was still sitting wide awake in the bed parallel to Deans. _I could go out and grab some breakfast for us... no fuck if he woke up and I was gone. I shouldn't leave him alone anyway I'll just have to wait for him to wake up on his own._

Sam lied back into his bed for a couple minutes before getting up and sneaking off into the bathroom. Sam needed a moment to call his friend at Standford and explain he'd be gone longer than expected. He also needed to apologize for "borrowing" his car with his knowledge.

Sam had been on the phone about fifteen minutes before Dean finally awoke.

Like so many times before Dean woke up expecting to see Sammy in the bed beside him. He frantically looked around the room. _No! Not this time. He was here! Not again! I can't go through another day like this._ This is all it took for Deans heart to completely shatter. Dean laid mostly still, besides the slight tremble of his body, crying silently to himself. _I can't do this without my brother._ "S-am" Deans breath hitched. _He's really not here. He was never here._

It only took Sam another three minutes of pointless explanation before he gave up and hung up. Exciting the bathroom Sam saw Dean was still sound asleep.

 _It's already past ten. Waking him up would be best._

He approached Deans bed as he had always done but stopped once he noticed the slight trembling of his brothers body. "Dean...?"

Dean shot straight up in his bed tears falling freely from his bloodshot eyes. "Yo-u're here?..." Dean squeaked. "When...?"

Sam gently sat beside his big brother wrapping a comforting arm around his shoulders. "Yeah, I'm here. I got here yesterday. You remember De?"

 _Huh, that old nickname really Sam?_

"Y-eah but I woke up and you weren't here...just like all the other times I woke up expecting to see you." Dean gave a sad chuckle. "Just like I'd dreamt before."

Dean maneuvered himself to sit on the edge of the bed. Rubbing his hand on his forehead down to his mouth. "Well come on man you hungry Sam?" _Smooth Dean change the subject get screamed at and get abandoned later_ Dean thought.

Dean stood. "Give me like five to shower and then we can go." He shot Sam a faint smile before closing the bathroom door.

Sam was left alone sitting on Dean's bed. _Guess I'll just get dressed and wait?_ Sam dressed in a pair of clothes he'd managed to pack before leaving.

-

Dean closed the door then clasped on the closed lid of the toilet seat. _Fuck. What the fuck am I doing?_ Three minutes later Dean forced himself up and turned on the shower. _Make this quick like you promised._

Undressing quickly Dean got into the shower. His eyes welled up with fresh tears. " _YOU'RE A WINCHESTER GODDAMNIT NO ONE HAS TIME FOR TEARS!_ " Dean could hear his father voice yell inside his head.

Dean washed and dressed quickly. Exciting the bathroom Dean saw Sam sitting on his bed waiting.

The first thing Sam noticed was the bloodshot. "You get soap in your eye?" Sam tried to joke fully aware of Dean sobbing in the shower.

"Huh?" Dean jerked his head up and stared at his brother. "I said Did you get soap in your eye?"

Not understanding what Sam was trying to do Dean spoke "Yeah?"

"Okay... let's go" Sam slapped the top of his legs as he stood.

_

Breakfast was uneventful. Dean had refused to finish his entire meal saying he wasn't hungry after he'd only had one-fourth of his plate. Sam watched in concern Dean was skinny and had obviously not been eating regularly. Sam didn't want to force food into his brother fearing it'd make him sick.

It didn't seem to matter, however, Dean had to pull over on their way back and expel the food.

"Dean let me drive the rest of the way."

"Why would I do that?"

Sam sighed "You obviously don't feel well Dean let me drive."

"No, I'm fine." Dean stood up with a wave of dizziness nearly falling over if it wasn't for Sam he would've.

"Fuck you I'm driving." Dean pushed himself out of Sam's grip.

"No, Dean absolutely not. You'll get us fucking killed."

"YOU WALK THEN I'LL JUST GET MYSELF KILLED!"

Sam stood in place for a second registering Deans words. _What the fuck?_ _How can his moods go from zero to one hundred so quickly and unnecessarily?_

"Dean, please. Just give me the keys!" Sam ran to catch up with Dean. It was too late. Everything happened so quickly one minute Sams on the side of the road watching his brother puke all over the grass and the next he's left on the side of the road.

Sam walked along the side of the road for a couple minutes before the Impala came back into view.

Dean stopped where Sam was swinging his door open.

"I'm sorry Sam." Dean was sobbing. "I shouldn't have left you like that."

"Forget about it Dean...lets just go."

 **Should I try and end this in chapter five or continue as long as I feel necessary? If you want me to finish it in chapter five the chapter will probably be longer than the previous chapters.**


	5. Again left alone

**This chapter was extremely difficult for me to write. I'm having a bit of trouble coming up with ways to keep this going in a direction I'm happy with. As always please review.**

The car ride was mostly silent except for the occasional loud sob that escaped from Dean.

Dean sat curled up in the passenger side. His head against the window with his legs pulled up to his chest, feet resting on the edge of the seat.

Sam drove fairly quickly not knowing what to do. _Has all this really been caused by my departure? Did I ruin my brother?_

Sam cleared his throat before speaking. "Dean, I uh think... you should go see a physician," Sam said not taking his eyes off the road. He hadn't directly looked at Dean since he came back for him.

"I did after you left," Dean said bitterly never looking away from his window.

"I've been trying Sam. I went to a doctor begged them to fix me. All I wanted was the misery to go away. The best they could do was evaluate me. I got diagnosed as a manic depressive Sam. They thought I was fucking bi-polar."

Sam didn't know what to say so he remained silent the rest of the way to the motel.

_

Now several hours later Sam sits quietly watching Dean. _Has Dean always been this way and I'm just now realizing? I was gone for a while maybe I forgot how Dean had always been._

Neither of them had said a word since Deans little confession in the car. Dean seemed okay now he isn't crying he seems to be content.

"Dean..." Sam scratched the back of his neck anxiously. "We need to talk man."

Dean signed and turned his head toward Sam "Yeah I guess we do." Dean shrugged. "Sammy listen I'm not going to try and guilt trip you into staying here with me. I just think you need to realize I'm not doing this alone anymore." Dean said calmly turning his attention back to the motel tv.

"I understand you've felt alone Dean but you could come stay with me for a while or stay with Bobby, you know he'll always take you in." Sam chose his words carefully fearing he'd anger his brother.

"Sammy you know I can't go with you. I'm a hunter for God's sake! We both know that wouldn't work and Bobby is great an all but I couldn't do that to him, Sam. I'm not saying I'll kill myself I'm not saying I won't. Sam, I just don't know what to do anymore. You've left Dads left..." Deans voice dropped "I just can't man"

"Dean I know I left okay! You don't have to keep telling me. I feel bad enough as it is! I wasn't even going to go to Stanford until you fucking told me to get the fuck out when I told you about it! You know what though I'm glad I left. You know why? IT WAS PEACEFUL DEAN! No monsters to fight no ' _John_ ' to yell at me. Everything was perfect except my brother wasn't with me."

"Well, at least it was good for you Sam! I was broken. I was dragged to pointless fucking hunts that I wasn't mentally equipped to deal with!" Dean stood up sprinting over to the motel chair slamming it onto the ground with all the strength he had left.

Sam violently flinched expecting Dean to throw the chair towards him.

Dean could see the stunned fear on Sams' face.

"Come on man I wasn't going to hit you with it!"

Sam stood opening the motel door and exciting all without uttering a word.

 _I can't deal with him anymore. I've barely been with him a day I'm already done._

-

Sam had no intention of actually leaving Dean. He just needed a little time. Dean always gets so angry and although Sam isn't particularly scared of his brother, it was moments like those that made him genuinely fearful of Dean.

"You've really fucked up this time Dean! You stupid mother fucking prick. Sammy just wanted to help! All you do is run people off!" Dean shouted to himself in his now mostly deserted motel room.

Sam could hear him yell as he walked away it was almost enough to make him turn around. The little brother side of Sam wanted to run back in. He wanted to calm down and comfort his brother. The adult grown-up college side of Sam wanted to tell him to go fuck himself and then go back to _HIS_ life at Stanford, forgetting about his dad and brother.

Dean, as expected, went on a complete rampage. It really didn't take any more than ten minutes to ' _undo'_ all the cleaning he'd done the previous day. Once the initial rage had passed Dean took to doing what he knew best. suppressing his emotions with the use of hard liquor.

Of course, Dean would drown his sorrows in alcohol it was basically the way he'd been taught. _Good thing I have a well-supplied stock._ Dean thought as he sat slumped over alone sitting on the one non-flipped motel bed mattress. Dean had half the bottle drunk only about an hour after Sam had "left."

Deans thoughts and emotions were really getting to him. The only thing he could think of doing to relieve the stress, besides drinking, was to resort back to cutting.

He really didn't want to do it. It's not like Dean liked carrying around self-inflicted scars. They weren't like his other scars. The ones he would say he was proud of. The ones with the stories depicting him as a hero. No these were shameful and embarrassing but it didn't stop him from making a couple of fresh cuts right above his left wrist.

-

Later Sam would come to the realization leaving your emotionally damaged brother in a motel room alone wasn't the best idea. Obviously, he should have known Dean would think he wasn't going to come back. After all, he did take his "borrowed" car.

 **Well, here it is. Enjoy if you can.**


	6. Never Again

**It means the world to me when I receive reviews. Thank you all so much!**

Dean stayed in the same position for what felt like hours. He'd slice his arms wait for the wound to clot then slice again. It didn't hurt any more he was too far gone. Hard to tell if it was purely from the excessive amounts of alcohol in his system or the seemingly obvious psychotic break. It didn't seem to matter anymore, nothing did. Sam had left for the second time. Dean nearly didn't survive Sam leaving the first time. Maybe this was all Dean needed to finally get pushed over the edge, to finally bite the bullet and speed up the inevitable. Either way, it doesn't seem to matter.

It was beginning to be well into the night. Dean was heavily intoxicated so much, in fact, he'd puked on himself on several occasions but made no effort to move. It had been a while since Dean made a new cut which was mostly due to the extreme fatigue he was experiencing.

 _Let the familiar darkness wash over you._ Dean invited the alcohol-induced blackout he had so overly deserved.

-

Sam had left several voicemails to Dean explaining that he needed a couple hours to think. He told him he was obviously not leaving him that he loved him and he'd better not do anything stupid in his absence. Sam really didn't expect a call or voicemail in return. He knew how badly he'd probably pissed off his brother. Sam did, however, expected his brother to actually listen to the messages.

It was around midnight when Sam returned to the motel. He grabbed the door handle expecting the door to be locked. It was more than a little shocking when the door opened.

The Impala was sitting in the parking lot so Dean was in the room. _Maybe asleep and just forgot to lock the door or maybe Dean...Nope!_ Sam quietly slipped into the room scanning for Dean. immediately spotting Dean in a weird sitting or rather crumpled position on the edge of this bed. The smell of the room was vile absolutely pungent.

"Dean!" Sam ran to Deans side. He lightly shook his brother's shoulders. "Hey, Dean come on man!" Sam said panicked. His brother was completely unresponsive. "Fuck Dean, come on buddy." Sam saw the very faint rise and fall his brother's chest. Letting out a breath he wasn't aware he was holding "Okay good." Sam looked up at the ceiling "Thank god you're alive." Sam wrapped his arms around Deans torso and began to drag him towards the bathroom. Dean's sick was making it hard to get a tight enough grip his arms kept slipping.

Sam powered through getting Dean into the bathtub fully clothed, turning on the shower Sam inspected his brother. Obvious blood, vomit, and alcohol covering his older brother.

"Nothing too bad we...I can fix this Dean." Sam knew it didn't matter he spoke or not Dean likely wouldn't even remember the whole ordeal when...if he woke up.

The smell of Deans bile was really starting to get to him now. He gags as he vigorously whips at the vomit on his arms with a wet motel towel. "You've really done it this time Dean..." Sam gave a pained chuckle. "Really putting me through the ringer." Once he was mostly cleaned he began cleaning Dean.

First thing was ridding Dean of his spoiled flannel and undershirt that took care of most of the vomit and blood. Both Deans' arms were covered in fresh mostly shallow cuts. A few cuts however mainly the ones resigning closest to the wrist were deeper with a persistent medium flow of blood.

"You know drinking like this thins the blood. Why would you do it when you know!" Sam turned the shower off. "I'll be back Dean, have to get the first aid," Sam mumbled while sprinting toward the Impala. Dean did nothing to respond.

Dean became to stir cracking his hazy eyes slightly immediately closing them when the harsh fluorescent light burned.

Sam was searching the impala longer than intended. _The fucking shit isn't here!_

Dean's head was absolutely pounding as he opened his eyes and slowly scanning his surroundings. _Am I... in a bathtub?_

He looked down searching for the source of his other various pains. Dean still hadn't attempted to move. _Okay, Dean get the fuck up._ Moving slightly he winced letting out a sharp cry. _Uhh, nope you're good here. It's a little wet, cold and well your bleeding but could be...has been worse._

Sam rushed back into the room immediately after hearing Deans cry. "Where the fuck is it Dean! I can't fix this if you don't help me." Sam kneeled next to the bath.

"Huh what you left," Dean slurred. "You aren't supposed to be here."

Sam grabbed two clean towels wrapped one around each of Dean's arms. "For fuck's sake just sit still."

Sam scurred back into in the main room. Widely knocking shit over trying to find the hopefully well-stocked first aid.

 _No telling how long Dean has been bleeding. I was gone for hours. He wasn't actually trying to kill himself no way the cuts are horizontal. Dean knows to do it vertically to really get the job done. Vertically cut wrists can't be stitched._ Sam spotted it so casually sitting on the floor mostly covered in Deans laundry. He grabbed it quickly opening it on his way back to Dean.

Dean was still mostly awake although not completely aware of the situation.

Gathering the supplies, Sam disinfects the deep cuts and began stitching his brother up. He knew it had to hurt it always does especially without any painkiller. Sam didn't care he wanted it to hurt. He wanted to punish Dean for the whole ordeal. _If Dean could just take care of himself... if he just hadn't called...if I just hadn't picked up the phone my brother would be dead._

Once both wrists were cleaned and stitched Sam took on the task of sitting Dean up, drying and dressing him.

At this point, Dean had tears streaming down his face. He had begged Sam to stop during the whole process. Slurring things like "It hurts" and "Sa'mmy, please." Sam had kept spouting off all the bullshit he knew to say to reassure his brother. Things like "I know I'm sorry" and "We'll get through this."

Dean tried to protest as Sam lifted him from the bathtub and sat him up on the closed lid of the toilet. Sam firmly but surprising gently stripped his brother down. Dean was still too out of it to put up much of a fight. Sam dried and changed his brother without any incident.

Admittedly Dean wasn't clean per say but the new clothes were and his wrists are nice and bandaged and that was good enough for Sam.

"Let's get you to bed." He grabbed Dean around the waist practically dragging him.

"Sa'mmy I'm so sorry," Dean said as he was being dragged.

"Yeah, yeah I know buddy. I'm sorry too I shouldn't have left. I knew what could've happened."

Sam softly placed Dean into bed.

Dean curled onto his side tears streaming from his eyes.

"I-i need help, Sam. I'm so br-oken."

 _I'm about to give up everything for him. Everything I've ever wanted...needed._

It was silent for a moment as Sam thought. "I'm not leaving you again Dean. I should have never left. It's not going to happen again."

"Sammy... you don-"

Sam cut Dean off. "Yeah, Dean I do and I am. Get some sleep we'll talk in the morning."

"Goodnight Sammy..." Dean yawned out.

"Goodnight Dean...I promise I'll never leave you again."

Sam whispered, "I promise..."

 **The end??**

 **I need feedback. Should I do an epilogue or leave it as is?**


	7. Epilogue

_**O** **ne**_ **year later**

Dean sat bleeding in his beautiful Impala. his seat coated in now drying blood. His little brother in the other seat sleeping soundly. Sam had his long limbs curled together laying cramped in the passenger seat.

Dean looked over at his brother his eyes full of tears. Sam had kept his promise. its been exactly a year since Dean drunkenly called Sam to say goodbye. A year later and Dean had what he'd needed most: his brother by his side.

Dean wiped his eyes clearing his vision as he drove. Everything would be okay.

_

Sam lied on his side curled up in the passenger seat. He'd woken up abruptly not for any particular reason. Sam sat himself up straight turning his head to look at his brother's bloodshot eyes. Sam shot Dean and big genuine smile. "How're the wounds?" He knew what today was. To his old friends, it was the day Sam Winchester abruptly left his life at Stanford for a brother he'd barely spoken about, but to Sam, it was the day he'd returned to his life.

It felt bittersweet and it probably always would. Sam had saved his brother but in doing so he sacrificed what he'd always wanted. A normal life. But what is normal anyway.

-

Dean smiled brightly back at Sam before returning his gaze on the road. "I'm good bleeding has stopped," Dean said letting out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

"You should've let ne drive you idiot," Sam said while curling himself back into his seat.

"Only I drive baby, Sam, you know that."

"Only I drive baby," Sam mumbled pretending to be annoyed.

"Come on Sam don't be that way. You know I love you not as much as baby but still." Dean beamed.

"Yeah okay, whatever love you too Jerk."

"Bitch"

 **This sucks but I wanted to wrap this up.**

 **Sorry, this is awful.**


End file.
